Archive | January, 2012

Making it real.

29 Jan

In keeping with some advice I’ve recently given a few people in my family, I am committed to giving my goals a chance to survive beyond the time the sound of the spoken word has faded.  In other words, make it real by doing it, just do it.  So, instead of waiting for a better camera, or Faulkner-like inspiration to hit, I’m going to continue write and take pictures because I said I would, because I believe that being creative and connected to my many passions will help to heal my broken heart, cancer is a bitch.

So here’s what I’ve been up to; working on some new menu ideas for a friend who owns two very cool bowling/pool/ping pong lounges.  I spent most of a snowy Saturday menu testing, delicious, (thanks to my taste testers, Danielle, Joe and DR), I think I’ve come up with a few good ideas.  See picture of slow roasted pork sammy with apple butter mayo. tri-coloured slaw, roasted peppers and onions and melted provolone cheese.  We ate/sampled everything else before I managed to take more pics.

Also, today bought a very sweet Waterloo County Windsor chair.  (also see pic.)

Since my Mom died, I’ve been having a really hard time concentrating on things beyond 5 or 10 minutes, so books are problematic, but magazines are ok, in particular, decorating magazines.  My Mom’s genius/passion was decorating, I look around my house now and I see how much she had influenced me.  Before she died we talked a lot about redecorating/painting my house, I have begun to think about it and plan and to honour her I’m going to write about it.  She told me that after she was gone, I would have to “get on with my life.”

One word, one meal, one day at a time.

 

2012

16 Jan
It’s been a while; life is not predictable and all of the best planning, organizing, list-making, and preparedness, does not ever prepare you for the death of a loved one.  My Mom died on December 30th 2011 from pancreatic cancer, not quite eight weeks after diagnosis.  She had not been feeling well for a long time, a hospital stay in May of 2011 proved futile, a summer of suffering more tests and an inability to eat solid food, finally  led to back to the hospital in September.  After being hospitalized for six weeks, and a brutal surgery from which she almost died,( having lost so much blood) to reroute a “blockage” a diagnosis was made.  I chose to be there with her.  Most days she was in so much pain, yet everyday she showed grace and compassion.  She was scared, “terrified” is what she said to me, yet she never wallowed in self pity and looked at the road a head of her as a journey with an uncertain end;the date and time of her death couldn’t be predicted.  My Mom chose to live each day and not to focus on dying, she chose life. 
 
She told me that I would have to “get on with my own life.”  Yep. it’s true, but things are different now.  My Mom was brave and strong, because of what I saw, I have no fear of death now.  It is a process, the body/the shell dies, her spirit lives on.  So, I’m choosing life too.
 
This year I plan to;
 
1.  Write more, it doesn’t matter who reads it, ot even if no one reads it, it’s good for me to be creative.
2.  Cook more.
3.  Take more risks/live outside my comfort zone.
4.  Learn something new every day.
5.  Be nicer, random acts of kindness sustained us during her marathon 3 month stay in the hospital, random acts of kindness DO make a difference.
6. Challenge the norm.
7.  Find the right reasons for what I say or do.
8.  Maintain a journal of anything that inspires me.
9.  Surround myself with passionate people.
10.  Be myself.
 
There, I’ve made myself vulnerable by putting it all “out there,”  that’s good, it feels good, it’s a start.  My Mom decided, just a few days after her terminal diagnosis, that she was going to live until the day she died.  Great advice right?  After all, we’re all terminal, an official diagnosis is like a best before date, an approximation.  This year, I am going to follow my Mom’s advice and live everyday.  It’s the best way to honour her, “live honey, just live.”